Letting Go of Perfectionism

The Need for Perfectionism

The perfect house! A perfect wedding! The perfect haircut! A perfect grade on the exam! The perfect mate! The perfect job! If you ask me, it’s all over-rated and unrealistic. Unfortunately, we live in a world, where because of the Internet and social media, there is always a feeling that we have fallen short as we compare ourselves to others. What my idea of a perfect this and a perfect that may very well differ from what your idea of it is. However, what we can agree on is that for some, the need to have everything perfect is like a constant companion that can’t be shook. I am not talking about the high achiever kind of perfectionism, which is much better for your health. I am talking about the kind of perfectionism where there are unreal expectations, all-or-none thinking, and sometimes procrastination.

High Achievers versus Neurotic Perfectionists

The difference lies in that high achievers can acknowledge their achievements and learn from their mistakes. They have a meticulous attention to detail and the motivation to succeed in the face of obstacles. Think Michelangelo! For them, they are satisfied even if it is near perfection. The perfectionism I am talking about is different, These perfectionists berate themselves and are robbed from the satisfaction of a job well done because in their eyes they never seem to do things good enough to warrant that feeling. They achieve less than the high achiever because they stress more. They often use all-or-none thinking. Almost perfect is a failure. Procrastination is common as they are so busy worrying about doing something less than perfect that they can’t do anything at all.

We paint portraits of the way things should be and set ourselves up for failure when what we got didn’t match up. Then we’re grossly disappointed. The Ozzie and Harriet type of life is just a myth.

The Making of a Perfectionist

Unfortunately, we expect more from ourselves than what we ever expect of others. Why is that so? Well, for some of us we learned early on that we were expected to be perfect. We had parents who demanded perfection. They often expressed their disapproval when their children’s behavior was less than what their own expectations were. Does this sound familiar?

“Johnny don’t sit like that.”

“Joshua, don’t cry. Boys don’t cry.”

“Mary, that’s not how you do that.”

“Graham, don’t hold your fork like that.”

“Courtney, can’t you do anything right?”

Additionally, perfectionism can creep up is if you have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which is an anxiety disorder manifesting itself in fears that become obsessions and that cause a person to perform certain actions or compulsions to ward off anxiety. I heard of a case when in my doctoral program about a woman who had to have three of everything in her kitchen cupboard and she would take out a piece of string and measure each can in the cupboard to make sure that the label was exactly facing front and center. You’ve also seen this in those with excessive hand-washing, scrubbing until their hands are raw and bleeding.

Also fear of disapproval from others also can cause one to become a perfectionist. When I was growing up, my sister and I were the exact opposite. I was the goody-two-shoes and got straight A’s in school and she didn’t care anything about school and was always on the fringe of trouble. My mom felt my sister needed more of her attention and so I felt neglected. I compensated by gaining attention from my teachers and one way to get this attention was to be the perfect straight A student. To have disapproval from my teachers was to hard to bear. So, years later and throughout my doctoral program, I continued with the need that I had to have all A’s. If just one B, I felt devastated and a failure. I graduated summa cum laude, but it was hard work and in hindsight such a high price to pay because I missed out on so much.

The Downside to Perfectionism

The monumental downside to perfectionism is that it sets one up for failure and fosters unhappiness. Perfectionism is an illusion. Nothing is perfect. There are things in life that are just not under your control. You will also always find some flaw if you look hard enough and that’s because life isn’t perfect. There are always going to be instances where the best man comes down with the flu on the day of your wedding; your co-worker calls in sick and you have to work the weekend when you had planned a weekend get-away to Palm Springs; your perfect mate leaves the toilet seat up and doesn’t replace the cap on the toothpaste; little Johnny threw a baseball into Mr. Dudley’s living room window where he was napping on the sofa; your haircut has gone wrong. Life’s twists and turns, and there are plenty of them, are disappointing, but how can we embrace the beauty of imperfection?

The Beauty of Imperfection

I let go of my perfection when I learned that my worthiness was not contingent on being perfect. When we put all our energy into being perfect, we’re not living. When we leave experiences by the wayside because we won’t attempt them for fear of them not being perfect, we aren’t living. There is a beauty in things flawed. A beauty in their quirkiness. Life is richer and more satisfying when we accept our strengths and our vulnerabilities. When we can laugh at ourselves. (Check out my blogpost “Laugh Yourself Silly” at www.rosepetalsandcream.com

Do you not know the story of the Japanese tea master and his disciple? Hundreds of years ago in a beautiful Kyoto garden, a tea master asked his disciple to prepare the garden for a tea ceremony. Hedges were trimmed, dried leaves and twigs were picked up from the stones. The garden was perfect. The master looked over the garden and shook the branch of a maple tree, scattering the autumn leaves all over the immaculate ground. This was the order of nature, the beauty of imperfection, Wabi-Sabi. It is the love of everything, despite its imperfections.

Striving to Become Perfectly Imperfect

Accordingly, how about striving to be perfectly imperfect. That seems like a better way to live. Imperfection is freedom. Perfection is suffocating. It stifles creativity. Our imperfections are what make us special and unique. Here are a few ways to becoming less than perfect:

• Set more realistic goals and expectations. Find the gap between reality and your standards.
• Turn off the inner critic.
• Learn how to say no.
• Let go of holding others to your same standard.
• Try to accept uncertainty.
• Let go of worrying about what other people think.
• Practice self-compassion.
• Reframe mistakes. Think of them as a normal part of life and growth.
• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Strive for excellence and not perfection.
• LOVE THE IMPERFECT YOU!!!!!

 

Therefore, I encourage and challenge you to let go of perfection and embrace the beauty of imperfection. Look around your world and notice all of the things that are imperfect, but yet beautiful. Viewing the world in this new way will uplift you and open your eyes to all the wonderful things you’ve been missing.